She had lots to say:

ON ROBERT PATTINSON: “I hear that he’s going to make a different kind of movie now. He’s trying to break out of that werewolf thing. And he’d better, or else he’s going to get dropped.”

ON LES MIS: “I don’t think I could make myself watch that.”

ON CHRISTIAN BALE: “He’s really a hunk, isn’t he?”

ON JOAQUIN PHOENIX: “Who’s that? He looks drunk.”

ON LENA DUNHAM: “It’s painful watching her! Someone pick her up before she cripples herself!”

ON JENNIFER LOPEZ: “She should have just taken her money and had her affair in secret and then gone back to her family. I’m serious! She shouldn’t give up a family for some dancing monkey. Her and Marc Anthony have so much in common!”

ON JOAQUIN PHOENIX AGAIN: “He looks better now. I like him. He’s like the James Dean of his era.”

ON THE SOFIA VERAGA DIET PEPSI AD: “Not again! We don’t know her either, and we don’t want to hear her speech again!”

ON AZIZ ANSARI: “Is he the little Indian guy in Life of Pi?”

ON A RANDOM AD: “Was that a woman kissing another woman? I think I’m going nuts.”

ON BRADLEY COOPER: “He’s so handsome. What’s he in? (Silver Linings Playbook) I’m really going to see that now!”

ON LES MIS WINNING BEST PICTURE: “Ughhhhhhhhh.”

ON THE GOLDEN GLOBES: “It ended just before I went insane!”

I love her.

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One of my surprise favorite movies of 2012 was Chronicle. So good. Loved it. Kinda made me depressed, but still. Great stuff.

One of my surprise least favorite films of 2012 was The Amazing Spider-Man. So bad. Hated it. PROPERTY OF PETER PARKER. Ugh. Horrible stuff.

This is by no means breaking news, but I just found out about it, so it is to me: Dane DeHaan, Leo lookalike and star of Chronicle, has been cast as the new Harry Osbourne. James Franco is OUT. He is so 2002. Dane DeHaan is IN. And this is all I can think:

I have mixed feelings about this because I like Dane DeHaan a lot, and would prefer that he wasn’t involved with such a sucky franchise, but also who can begrudge a guy a role in a blockbuster that probably comes with a huge payday and will increase his exposure, in turn propelling him onto other, better roles. Also, most people liked The Amazing Spider-Man, which makes absolutely no sense to me, but they did. They liked it when Peter told Mary Jane he was Spider-Man and she basically just raised her eyebrows and made a dumb joke. Wah-wah. They liked it when Peter was shitty to Aunt Mae the whole time and their relationship was awful. They liked it when Peter joked about how “sometimes the best thing about making promises is getting to break them” NEVER MIND HE MADE THAT PROMISE TO A MAN ON HIS DEATHBED. Fuck you Peter Parker, you prick.

So, good luck Dane, you deserve better, but also, I’m happy for you. So is Franco.

killing them softly poster

I saw this movie accidentally. I actually went to the cinema to see something else, but because I fail at life, I showed an hour late but still bought a ticket for the show (I used a kiosk, so there was no worker to say “hey dummy, do you really want to buy a ticket for a showing that started an hour ago?”). I even walked into the half-over movie because the ticket ripper guy had no clue either (perhaps he’s my soul mate??). When I realized what I did, at first I thought I’d simply ask for a refund–but that would mean not only admitting how clueless I was to the workers, but also what movie I paid to see (it has sparkly vampires in it…don’t worry, I’m duly ashamed…but also I will try again next week).

So instead I ducked into an adjacent theatre, which had a showing of Killing Them Softly coming up in 20 minutes. This wasn’t entirely unwelcome; I liked writer/director Andrew Dominik’s previous effort, The Assassination of Jesse James, overly long or not, and Brad Pitt is good, and also mob movies are fine enough. Unfortunately, what looks good on paper isn’t always so. The film lacked a lead protagonist, even though the poster & tv spots would have you believe it’s Brad Pitt, which hindered the story in my opinion. When dealing with such dark themes & characters that are probably unlike 95% of moviegoers, it’s really hard to sympathize or care about anyone when we aren’t really allowed to. I mean, the whole point was that America ‘isn’t a country but a business’ or whatever, you know, ‘capitalism and greed r bad’ etc etc so maybe we aren’t supposed to identify with anyone on screen, but on that point, shouldn’t we? Shouldn’t we see our country reflected back at us, even if in a small way, like through a character’s experiences? As it is, it’s so easy to keep the film & characters at arm’s length. I certainly didn’t identify with the America in Killing Them Softly, and I’ve lived in America just about my entire life.

Most of the humor fell flat for me as well. I did laugh a couple of times, but there were few scenes where I kept thinking ‘is that supposed to be funny?’ which is not a good sign. And then there were scenes where I definitely *knew* it was supposed to be funny, but…no. Like a dog farted once. Ha ha? Now I’m less horrified buy this murdering I guess.

I also thought there were too many scenes that went on too long, and by that I am talking about James Gandolfini. Ugh, whenever he started talking I began to contemplate getting up and leaving because there were definitely better things out there for me. Like food. I’m hungry!

And one of the characters basically seemed like the poor man’s Casey Affleck from Good Will Hunting. I kept waiting for someone to throw a double burger at him. And then one at me because I’m hungry!

Verdict: Shut up James Gandolfini, and please do better next time Andrew Dominik. C-

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This is probably my favorite magazine that I have never/will never read. I just love that it exists. Subscribers, however, are not so happy. Apparently, when a celebrity says something publicly that they dislike (i.e. hyperbolically referring to Obama as “Our Lord and Savior” at the Soul Train Awards) then they declare the entire magazine, which probably had this particular cover planned months ago, to be “trash” & something they wish they could put in their butts–if only Jamie Foxx and Leo DiCaprio were *worthy* of their butts. Cool fans. The best fans. Butts of gold, the lot of ’em.

Screen shot 2012-12-04 at 4.58.42 PM Screen shot 2012-12-04 at 5.03.36 PM